how to live a peaceful life

arguing with yourself

March 14, 2025 by Sarah Faith

christian, christian blog, christian life, how to grow, how to level up, how to live a peaceful life, how to start something, level up your faith, mental health, mental peace strategies, mindset, motivation, self care, self-care for women, trust the process

i do it. we all do it. i’m just trying to get better at it. and if you’re anything like me, the arguments often involve questions or frustrations about where anything is leading, why i feel stuck, what if this doesn’t work, i’m wasting so much time with this, what is the point, etc.

if it’s just me feel free to quit reading and email me your ways because you’re clearly got this more figured out than i do. for the rest of us, let’s continue.

what i’ve learned is that feeling stuck is just that. a feeling. staying stuck is a choice. there’s always an option. there’s always another door. there’s always an option you didn’t consider because you were too busy elbows deep in your “stuck-ness” to realize what was right there in front of you. i’m not going to say “the whole time,” because hopefully we’re not that oblivious. but… some time, anyway.

being skeptical or afraid or worrisome isn’t something i think any of us are ever truly going to escape, but we do get to control our response. fight, flight, or freeze… i don’t feel like freeze is ever really the option here… so we gotta figure out how to listen better and take the action.

but what if it doesn’t work? what if it’s not right? what if it’s a big waste of time? what about Thomas Edison – were all of his failures wastes of time? i would argue not… i would say that all that failing led to a pretty cool outcome. we still use that thing today he failed so hard at. dare we adjust our thinking toward more of a “what if this is the thing that works?” mentality. i mean, would it really be so bad to bet on ourselves and expect something to work out, EVEN IF the gamble at hand is nothing more than a lesson. i think we also would do well to adjust our definition of failure. because there’s a quote somewhere that assures Edison did not indeed fail – he just learned a bazillion ways to NOT make a light bulb. maybe you have tried before. maybe it did feel like an epic failure. i didn’t quit trying to learn how to ride a bike when i fell on my face or crashed into a fence because my mom thought it was a good idea to teach me to ride on a downhill slope headed straight toward the neighbor’s yard…. didn’t tickle, but i didn’t quit.

can we just try, one time, for one minute, to give up this hero mentality that we have to get it 100% right the very first try and we have to know all the things to get us there without asking for help because asking for help means we’re stupid and not being able to know how to do stuff also means we’re stupid… i mean i feel ridiculous even typing this. it’s the dumbest thing ever. yet i’ve felt it and argued with myself over it multiple times in the past. maybe the point is growth in the process, gaining knowledge and understanding the entire time. maybe we’re meant to learn a half a boat load of ways to NOT do something, before we’re gifted with the knowledge of how to succeed. i’ve come to find out in my limited time on this planet that you don’t get any closer to winning by refusing to try for fear of losing. every soccer game i ever played, i stood the chance of losing. sometimes i did. miserably in some games. but at the end of the game, all of could sit there and identify things that we could do better the next time to that we didn’t drink the same poison twice.

if you’re arguing with yourself about doing something — you just don’t wanna do it — maybe part of that “i don’t wanna” is because you’re afraid of losing or failing… and what would people say about you if you failed? guess what… if they had anything to say at all, it shouldn’t be anything short of applause and encouragement, because at least you got the bravery to try. chances are they didn’t. the people who are “out there doing things” are too busy fighting for their own success to judge you. the people judging you are too busy “not out there doing things” to try. they’re giving in to those age old dear-based arguments of “i don’t have time” or “i don’t have money…” look, in a lot of cases, those are the exact problems we’re trying to solve. and nothing is going to change if you refuse to change a thing.

usually, the conclusion of these arguments with myself end with some form of the realization that doing nothing is a good way to stay in the very circumstance you’re trying to escape. see also: sitting on your hands, wasting time, not stewarding gifts, not using talents, apprehension…. it’s all keeping you in the same seat, year after year. same scenery. same outcomes. because we’re too easy to let fear take the wheel and “get us to safety.” but there’s not growth in safety. there’s no resilience or furthering or leveling up…. none of that exists in complacency and fear.

so i think it’s time for us to stop arguing with ourselves and get a little mud on our sleeves. roll those babies up and get to work. try something. try anything. if it fails, try something else. the true waste of time is the idleness you’re allowing yourself to sit in, waiting for the “perfect time” or to be “ready” to start. perfect and ready aren’t coming. they’re cousins of fear and they all hang out together, colluding to keep you “safe” — also known as stuck.

love you!

xo, Sarah

distractions

January 23, 2025 by Sarah Faith

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christian, christian blog, christian life, how to live a peaceful life, mental freedom, mental health, mental health blog, mental health for women, mental peace strategies, mindset, overcoming distractions, self care, self-care for women

squirrel!

you too, right? i can’t be the only one.

i’ll fess up. i’m the queen. i’ll be on a task and next thing i know, my phone is in my hand, and i’m looking at all kinds of things that have nothing to do with my original task. and that thing on my to-do list now takes me twice as long because my brain is in too many unhelpful, non-productive directions.

i’m distracted by things. i’m distracted by thoughts. i’m distracted by people. i’m distracted by things that on the surface look like good things, but ultimately are not THE thing, which makes them just another in a long like of distractions.

i’ve been on a journey my whole life really — we all have — to find a sense of purpose. i’ve thought i was right so many times only to be redirected some time later. and the re-directs are never without growth and lessons… take my first marriage for example. lots of growth and redirection happened there, packed with lessons i didn’t really want to learn. if i look back on all the times i’ve changed course, i can’t help but feel like i’ve just been so distracted.

it’s in these moments that i’m so thankful for the times my life has seemingly been uprooted in catastrophic ways, because i’ve been forced to get quiet, turn inward, and separate the truth from the noise. and the truth is… no matter how many distractions there are, they never win. they may temporarily win a battle here or there, but they’ll never win the war. if you’re truly committed to learning the lessons being presented to you, the distractions don’t have a permanent hold on you.

for me, distractions are nothing more than a feeble attempt at knocking me off course. if there’s no chance of changing my mind on the path i’m on, then maybe throwing a few distractions my way will delay the progress. but just like anything, you get better and better with practice. better at cutting down the distraction time, better at getting over them, better at identifying them before they even take a second of your time. it’s like reps in the gym… always adding one more, always becoming stronger, able to handle more weight.

distractions are annoying. i’m not even going to sugarcoat it at all – they’re so. dang. annoying. but the more you know about where you’re headed, the less power any of them have over you. i’m so crystal clear and dead set on where i’m going, it doesn’t matter who says or does what — i know what i heard and that’s where i’m going. no second guessing, no time to deliberate over “this or that,” and no time for all that rinky dink chatter in my thoughts trying to convince me otherwise.

i’m not trying to act like i’ve cracked the code or have it all figured out. i’m not immune. i think that only comes with more and more practice. and social media is a cruel beast sometimes, right? i can get so distracted by all the perfection, all the things people “say,” and trying to figure out if it’s true or not. but honestly… what i’ve come to realize is that it’s really none of my business. i was allowing these things to have too much power over my thoughts, and it was all just one big distraction, none of it having anything to do with what i’m trying to accomplish.

it’s like when i ask the kids to put away their laundry or brush their teeth and they end up in toy land, tinkering with anything else besides clothes or toothbrushes. what about those toys has anything to do with brushing teeth…? nothing. they got distracted. and now i’m annoyed because this is taking forever.

i do the same thing. and i’m grateful for these continued examples and lessons, because if i’m going to fuss over how much time i don’t have during the day, i definitely don’t have time for distractions.

some of the best things i’ve ever done in this department have been to put my blinders on, set some social media boundaries for myself, or just boundaries in general, and get really, really clear on the reason i began in the first place. do these distracted, sometimes comparative, sometimes negative, sometimes just not useful or helpful thoughts get me any closer to where i want to go? no? purge. it’s gotta go.

whatever it is or whoever it is and whatever it says or whatever they said — it doesn’t hold a candle to the mission you’re on. remember that. it’s not worth your peace, it’s not worth your time, and the work you have to do is far too important to allow the doubts, fears, and anxieties to have any power over your direction.

let those words sink in. think about them this week. i wrote them, but i believe they were given to me for you – i’m simply the conduit. i’m just the one that typed them into this space and hit “send.”

math

January 16, 2025 by Sarah Faith

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christian, christian blog, christian life, claiming your power, coming to terms with life, finding your strength, how to live a peaceful life, living in freedom, mental freedom, mental health, mental peace strategies, mindset, recovery, redemption, self care, self-care for women

at the time of writing this, i’m currently sitting at a local Starbucks with my husband. i’ve already finished my drink – drank every last drop of it, it was so delicious. doing some work tasks, people watching, brainstorming, etc.

as per usual, i didn’t know what i was going to write before opening this page to write it, but i asked Holy Spirit what He wanted me to write about and this idea came to mind almost instantly. math.

it was weird to me initially, too, but it took about three seconds for me to understand what i’m supposed to write about math. stay with me.

i don’t know how many of these blogs you’ve read. i don’t know how much of my story you’re aware of. but. for lack of dragging you through all the details, let’s just say that there have been more than a handful of occasions when the math did not math, okay? it didn’t quite add up. didn’t quite make sense. didn’t seem too probable. wasn’t looking too hot. you get the picture.

the revelation that i am continuing to learn — which is VERY hard for me because i am a math mind… i love math. i love logic. i love reasoning. i love patterns. i love things that make sense. my mind doesn’t comprehend behavior patterns that are completely destructive and nonsensical because it doesn’t math. i don’t get doing the same things over and over expecting different results because 2 and 2 will always be 4 until the ends of the earth and beyond. there are just certain things that truly are black and white, for as much of this world that’s grey.

but life? man. sometimes, that thing does not math at ALL. the chain of events prior to the moment i’m currently sitting in, if you and me sat down and ran through the whole chronology of it… no one has time for that. and i’m guessing there’s parts of your life that feel much the same. it just doesn’t add up. the equation is all jacked, and there’s just not a rule or a box that it fits into.

it’s not supposed to.

the more i try to figure it out, the more confused i get. the more i love math and try to apply laws of reason to life, the further away from the answers i seem to get. and i think i’m just going to have to accept that life and math are not meant to coincide. they’re not meant to agree. they don’t exist in the same neighborhood or zip code. and for those that live their life in such an organized fashion that it does, i’d love to politely suggest that there’s a chance there’s a good amount of things being missed in the efforts to evade chaos at all costs.

the chaos is where the growth is. opportunity lies in chaos. some of the coolest things in my life are the result of chaos. take my marriage and family for example. i’m previously divorced. i was only married for three years the first time around. there’s a lot of things about that divorce that make ZERO sense to me to this very day, but i quit trying to figure it out because my current reality feels like a dream and it was completely 100% born out of all of that nonsensical chaos. the math doesn’t math. the logic doesn’t follow. but there’s no sense in trying to make it fit into a box, because if it did, it would love all of its goodness.

let’s talk business for just one second. i’m currently a musician but i’m also in direct sales. i’ve got two college degrees, experience in like 47 fields, but i chose ((read: felt very led by God)) to step away from the live performance aspect of the very dream that i came to Nashville to chase five years ago. the dream i left Michigan for, a place i had spent my entire life. i was going to come to Nashville and be a musician. period. end of story. that in and of itself didn’t “math” to a lot of people, but it made sense to me. five years later, i’m hanging up the live performing ((for now…?)) and adding a direct sales opportunity to my plate. one that maybe on paper doesn’t make sense to some, but dang it, you know what, i’m giving up my need for things to make sense. things no longer have to make sense to me to work. it’s not a credential or qualification.

it doesn’t make sense to you that someone chasing music would slow that down and sell shampoo on the internet? ok, well i’m not saying it makes sense to me either, but what i do know for a fact is you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, avoiding the judgments of others and the possibility for failure will only get you so far, and you’ll really never know what truly is possible unless you get the heck out there and give it a shot.

so. math. that’s why i felt led to write this. because there are too many people i see, meet, and talk with that hold on so tightly to this need for it to make sense BEFORE you try it. why? what do you gain by clinging so hard to safety? i know that we have an innate need in our brains to avoid things trying to kill us, but i’m afraid some of us are taking that bit too far. opportunities are oftentimes not trying to kill you. they’re trying to help you. they’re giving you a way out, another route, offering you another perspective that the one you’re sold on right now that’s leaving you miserable.

pro tip – if your current view on life isn’t giving… if it’s not enjoyable… if there’s no joy in it whatsoever… try getting a different viewpoint. shake things up a bit. try something new. change your scenery. try a different direction. consider the possibility that you’re quite possibly made for more than you’re currently doing… and the vessel that shows up in might be unexpected. but that doesn’t mean it’s worth avoiding, shutting down, or ignoring without trying. that weird thing might just change your life.

quit applying laws, rules, and logic to things that are so often completely illogical… because i can tell you for a fact, it’s never going to add up.

♥, SF

whether they agree or not

January 9, 2025 by Sarah Faith

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christian, christian blog, christian life, do hard things, following the inner nudge, how to change your life, how to find purpose in your life, how to live a peaceful life, how to show up, mental health, mental peace strategies, mindset, purpose driven, purpose driven life, self care, self-care for women

i’d say it’s about once a week that someone mentions something related to me “quitting” music… they ask me why, they ask about my business, why i’m doing that instead of music, mention how sad it is that i’m not performing music anymore, etc. etc. trust me. i feel it, too. i grieve it, too. ((shameless plug, did you know that i am actually still creating music…? i put a brand new song out in November called “saved by the blood – go check it out if you haven’t!)) ((i’ve decided the new direction / genre is called “swamp gospel” — i hope you can dig it!!))

and i guess i don’t really ever feel the need to explain, however, i do wonder if maybe there’s a chance to relate to you through this path i’ve been taking.

i don’t know if you’ve ever been doing something, only to find that maybe it wasn’t what it seemed like it was going to be on the surface when you started. or maybe you started going in a direction, it was good for a while, even great sometimes, but then something inside you just started tugging you another way. things change. if you’re from a place where seasons exist, you know that seasons change… and sometimes things need to be let go that you otherwise in a hundred years wouldn’t have dreamed of letting go of.

there’s also this crazy, silly analogy my husband uses about penguins. you have penguins and you have an island. you have an island full of penguins. at a certain point, the laws of math and geometry are going to kick in and there’s truly only room for so many penguins on said island. the others are left to either jump off willingly and go to their own island, or fall off… either way, all the penguins aren’t staying on that island. it’s just not possible.

for me, in this stage of life, i’ve only got room for so many penguins on my island. and maybe you’re in a season right now too where the stress level is really high, and what you really need is a long sit in a quiet room to ask yourself if all these penguins on this island really belong here… do they? do they all need to stay? or would you feel better, lighter, more purposeful if you let go of some of the penguins?

if possible, try to temporarily let go of all the feelings of failure and inadequacy you might experience in the “rehoming” of these penguins… maybe some are going to need to be permanently rehomed, while others are temporary! you don’t have to have it all figured out right this minute, but you do deserve to experience a higher level of peace… especially if you’re causing your own unrest by simply refusing to put something down.

music is a good thing. performing music is a good thing. being a musician is something i am so grateful for, it’s such a great thing. i love writing music, making music, performing music, sharing music… but i love so many other things that have been gifted to me by God’s grace, mercy, and kindness, and i’m on a mission to make sure i’m stewarding my time and my resources well. and we’re not all called in the same direction — that’s something i’ve had to come to terms with, too. it does me no good to compare what others are doing to what i’m being called to — they’re apples to oranges.

here’s another angle of perspective for you — if you’re feeling nudged to give something up that feels really big, and heavy, and weighty, and important… wouldn’t it make sense that whatever you’re being asked to give it up FOR is Bigger, Heavier, Weightier, and More Important? for a while, nothing seemed more important to me than making a career or myself in music… and my eyes opened wider, and something inside shifted… at first i didn’t quite know what to do with it… but as i took steps in fear, it became clearer and clearer. i don’t think i have the full spectrum of the picture, even still, but i do know that i’m in the right place, doing the right things.

i’ve got the same goals as before — love people, make things for people, help people… whether it’s through a song, a blog, a social media post, or a bottle of shampoo, i’m still doing it. and i’m so grateful to do so. i’m equally if not more grateful for the family i get to be a part of while i’m doing all of those things. nothing matters more to me on this earth than God, my husband, and my kids… and if there’s some version of necessary shift in me that’s required in the name of any of those three avenues, the benefits far outweigh the costs.

whatever situation you find yourself in, whatever compromise you’re feeling like you have to make… you’re going to make the right choice. you’re going to make the hard choice. and you’re going to realize that you made exactly the right choice. choices like this aren’t meant to be easy – if it was easy, there’d be no growth opportunity tied to it. things that are hard are the things that are calling you higher. i’d encourage you to lean into that.

and hey. i’m super serious about sitting alone for a long time in a quiet room. that step is not optional.

i celebrate the difficult decisions you’re making — there’s joy and freedom on the other side.

♥, SF

new year, better me

i saw this saying the other day somewhere in social media land and it resonated with me a whole lot. it’s not a new me. it’s a better me. a stronger me, a me with better habits, a more faithful me, a more grounded me, a more surrendered me… a clearer vision, more boldness, more prayer, and more action.

what does a new year do for you? does it make you anxious? excited? does it spring you into action or hold you in place? does it pump you up or grieve you? do you find yourself looking forward or backward?

pro tip – as much as it’s possible, try not to look back. you’re not headed there. you have to find a way to get a forward-oriented direction.

this year, God gave me the word “go” as my 2025 “theme” so to speak. i had it on my to-do list to make a vision board. honestly, i made one for the first time last year and i’m not sure i’ll do it again. i do have a master plan i will be creating that guides me monthly and quarterly, but i’m not sure about the vision board concept. i know that might sound weird – i know they say visualization is key. we’ll see if i create one or not — check back with me in a week or so and ask me if i ever ended up doing it. haha

i was on a call with my mastermind group and we were talking about words for the year — when it came to be my turn, i honestly didn’t feel like i had a word at first, but i was encouraged to just let the first word the came to mind, come forward and have weight. it was “go.” when i said it out loud, my mentor said, “yes, Sarah. the word i felt and heard for you was ‘execute’.” that’s what “go” means for me this year – this is the year i take bold action, bolder than before, more grounded, steadfast, rooted action. this is the year that i move, create, and trust that i’ve got everything i need to create the visions and dreams placed inside of me. i’m lacking nothing. i need no permission, special skills, or special abilities. i’ve got what i need and it’s time to go.

if it serves you to think that a new year must mean a new you, then by all means, go with that, but i would also love to encourage you to not feel the need to buy into that. you don’t have to be a new you. maybe you just need to be a more focused you, a more disciplined you, a you with better habits than last year, a you that doesn’t listen to fear or that inner critic as much. a you that gives up the excuses and does the dang thing. a you that doesn’t listen to the judgments and nay-saying of others as much. a you that doesn’t put stock in your limiting beliefs and those thoughts that keep holding you back. maybe you just need a better morning routine. maybe you just need better friends. maybe it’s better boundaries. nothing inherently new – just better. don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be this new shiny creation – you were fearfully and wonderfully made. no need to reinvent the wheel. maybe just a couple improvements here or there is all that’s in your way.

i don’t know if that helps you at all today, but i hope it does. i don’t know who it’s for… maybe it’s you. maybe you just need permission to shed the weight of the expectations, whether outer or inner, and just be free to still be you, and maybe your 2.0 version isn’t as heavy as you’re making it. maybe what actually needs to happen is less… less expectations, less self-judgment, less demand to live up to this proverbial hype… and permission to just be. be exactly what and who you were created to be, not what you think will satisfy some undefined standard this world told you to try and live up to.

i wish you the best in everything. happiness, love, life, family, fulfillment… and oftentimes we think that means we need more, when really, we actually need less. maybe less is more is truly what makes more better.

♥

me vs. me

i looked at the calendar this week and was shocked that it was the end of November already. i’m not sure how we got here… so close to 2025, yet still so many things i feel like i’d still love to accomplish this year.

maybe that’s you as well. maybe it’s been a long year, one that you can look back on and see that while a LOT of things happened, there’s still things left to tackle. and man, i really want to blame the circumstances. but i know that’s not really fair. or even true.

this isn’t the first time i’ve felt like this, and it probably won’t be the last. because the true issue is that it’s me vs. me. i’m the one that got in the way often times. i’ve got so many dreams, so many aspirations, so much drive… and sometimes, at the end of the day, i can honestly say that i’m not sure how to reach them because of two things: 1. i’m relying on myself, my own strength, and my own ideas too much and 2. i’m trusting in the actual possibility of these things happening too little.

bold statement: overthinking will kill your dreams. it will kill your motivation. it will just suck every ounce of energy you have if you let it. this is probably another one of my biggest opportunities for growth, although i will say that i’ve proven to myself time and time again that action is the way over this hurdle. even if it’s messy. even if it doesn’t make sense. there’s a certain kind of “magic” that happens when you’re putting energy out… it comes back around. stagnation breeds more stagnation, but action shakes things up. it’s like this saying that i’ve heard that has stuck with me for a couple years now: “God can’t steer a parked car.” there’s no specific direction in that statement. you just have to move. He can help you with the rest, but you do have to take some action. i do need to get out of my own head long enough to take a step forward. there’s always room to take a step sideways if you need to redirect, but if laws of inertia are true, motion is the first order of business. an object at rest will remain at rest.

maybe you’ve been here a while and you’ve heard me talking about self-care. this is another reason i think self-care is so dang important. especially this time of year. sometimes it may not connect that it has anything to do with anything else, but it DOES. you’re in motion. you’re moving. you’re thinking. you’re giving yourself space. doing a hair treatment or a skincare routine isn’t just about how my hair or skin look. it’s about my thoughts and giving myself that time to create space in there. this brain is so jam packed full of so much stuff on any given day, it’s like a dang circus. i need a minute to calm the monkeys and put out the fires. there’s magic to be found in that space! but you can’t get the space if you don’t make it. it’s too busy and crazy and chaotic of a life. and i don’t even have kids in this house all the time! so i really don’t know how the rest of you normal people do it.

easy things that help me create space:

gratitude + bible time in the morning
double washing my hair in the shower
morning and evening skincare routine
going for a walk
getting dressed in something i’d like to wear
taking a few extra minutes to fix my hair
turning on worship music

things that DO NOT CREATE SPACE

doing more things than i have the capacity for
scrolling more
thinking that the anxiety goes away by continuing to take on more
convincing myself there’s no time to take even 5 deep breaths
hyper focusing on my to-do list
equating my to-do list with success

notice how the things that create space are not really related to what we consider “progress” at all. they’re separate. they’re different. they’re kind of not even in the same neighborhood. but your brain needs it. trust me. your body needs it. trust me. it’s not the to-do list that’s going to give you peace. ever. i love getting things done, but not at the expense of my mood and physical well-being. though sometimes i forget this and work myself silly anyway… i’m working on this, too.

i guess what i’m saying is… taking these last 45 days of the year to put yourself on blast and guilt trip yourself for your failures isn’t going to create any kind of last minute progress. i don’t feel anyway… it’s certainly not a recipe for propelling you into a better 2025. what i would do is take some small actions day by day that get you in motion. i broke some promises to myself this year, too. some feel in my control, and some don’t. either way, all i can do is create the space and get the car moving. once there’s space to actually think, i think the direction becomes a lot clearer and kind of starts to take shape on its own.

i just gotta move first. because when i’m stagnant, it’s me vs. me.

in the quiet

November 5, 2024 by Sarah Faith

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christian, christian blog, christian life, finding purpose, god first, how to live a peaceful life, mental health, mental peace strategies, mindset, music with purpose, musician, purpose driven, purpose driven life, self care, self-care for women

i was talking to a friend about the upcoming single. and it hit me. i should be excited. i should be pumped. i should be thrilled. i should be unable to shut up about it. but… i don’t really feel that way. i used to be so invested in getting as many people to hear it as possible, as many pre-saves as possible… just so in the rat race of forcing it on people, trying my hardest to get it in their ear canals.

do you want the truth? here it is. it is so hard to feel like you have any kind of talent whatsoever or that it even matters that you’re creating art when it doesn’t seem like the world cares about any of it — the talent i mean. it’s all vanilla to me. and i hate feeling like that. i hate saying it. i hate typing it. but it’s how i feel. then i remember feelings are liars… and feelings aren’t the truth. but it’s really hard to care. it’s really hard to push, force, assert… when this music is so not about me. it wasn’t my idea. i thought we were done. i thought it was over. but… God.

i keep asking Him why He’s calling me into this. i can’t seem to bring myself to blast this song or this album all over social media, begging people to listen, save, download, buy, like i used to. the last album, i have no idea how many people probably got sick of me and my every other sentence, because it had something to do with listening to my record. i don’t care to do that this time. for whatever reason. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i want you to listen. i think it’s well worth 4 minutes of your time. but i’m feeling like being quiet about it and just releasing it into the world without all the circus tactics.

i wrote this song and this record because after i laid down live performances, i started feeling all of these songs flooding into me. i couldn’t explain it, but i hadn’t had that kind of inspiration to write in months. literally… so i leaned into it. and what i loved about it was that it just kind of… came out. nothing was forced. nothing felt like it was fitting a square peg into a round hole. i asked Josh if he wanted to help me write this project, and he was instantly on board. so we just started writing. i had a bunch of stuff written before we started, but the flow just felt different.

the production felt different. i honestly hadn’t picked up a guitar in months, but the solos felt different. the whole structure of the recording felt different. and i’m so excited about it, but not in the same way as before. not in the same in your face, “you have to hear this, listen to this, omg did you know i recorded a song?!?!” way. i just feel… chill. calm. accepting of whatever is.

to say i know the exact purpose of this record would be a lie. it’s weird to feel like you’re giving something up and then being told to keep doing it. but i have to trust. i have to have faith. i know for a fact that i’m not interested in placing my art in an environment where it has the possibility of no longer being mine, so in true independent artist fashion, this is how it’s going to go. i’m gonna write it. i’m gonna record it. i’m gonna put it out. wash, rinse, repeat.

sometimes i find myself forgetting that fact that sometimes the best things happen in the quiet. as an artist, i’ve been “quiet” for a while. no public releases, no shows, just introspective time trying to understand what this gift is supposed to be used for. what i have to keep reminding myself is this:

the truth, the direction, the purpose… comes from a still small voice… one that cannot be heard in the loud. it can only be heard in the quiet. it doesn’t raise it’s volume above the chaos. it doesn’t try to be heard over the rest of the noise. it just sits and waits patiently to tell me the same things it’s been saying all along. whether i want to hear it or not. whether i want to believe it or not. it will just keep calmly, kindly, lovingly, and consistently saying the same thing.

you can’t miss what’s meant for you. it’ll gently follow you around until you finally get quiet enough to actually listen. and i’m guilty of “listening” but immediately doubting, writing off, and continuing with whatever i want to do. i did it for a long time with performing. until i couldn’t ignore it anymore. once i got that out of the way, then came the call to write.

listen, i don’t have it all figured out. far from it. i’m not writing this from a place of complete understanding. but, i can’t really deny the confidence that small voice possesses. it’s way more confident than some of my loudness… loud does not equal confident. don’t get it twisted. sometimes loud is nothing more than an attempt to not be found out. sometimes loud is all a cover for the times when i feel like i have no idea what i’m actually doing, or even better… when i’m trying my hardest to ignore or drown out those gentle nudges i don’t want to admit might actually be on to something.

don’t be afraid of the quiet. don’t be afraid to lean in. don’t be afraid if it doesn’t make sense. maybe it’s not supposed to. and maybe you’re wasting time trying to figure it out. these are all lessons i’m currently actively learning… do they hit home for you?

what i tell myself

no fluff to start this blog, because it’s worth just jumping in. there’s no way to count the number of false things i’ve told myself in this life — stories, lies, opinions… way too many. and that’s not the punchline. that’s not the worst part. the worst part is when i believe them. and that i’m not alone.

it’s been so heavy on my heart this week the absolute number of people that are in this boat. truth is it’s not one that’s floating. it’s a sinking ship. one that we’re apparently willing to drown on. you need to get off the boat. you need to take a leap and get off of the ride. get. off. the. ride.

how many times are we going to wake up and say “man, i wish this looked different,” or, “wouldn’t it be nice if…” but do nothing about it? make absolutely zero effort to walk in that direction. we live in a wild world, but we still don’t live in a world generous enough to just give that vision to us without movement on our part. no matter how crazy it gets out there, i doubt it’ll ever be that philanthropic.

my heart breaks for every single person that wants different, can see different, and chooses a comfortable misery instead of putting forth a 1% better effort to improve their situation. i think you’re making it harder than it is. i think you think you have to have it perfectly figured out. let me be the one that takes your hand and assures you that you’re sorely mistaken. there’s no demand of perfection, you just have to give, try, believe, and let the discouraging thoughts rattling around in your head take a long walk off a short pier. success isn’t the person who gets it all right on the first try. it’s the person that gets it wrong three or four times, then gets it right, and learns a few good lessons along the way. be willing to be wrong. be willing to screw it up.

every day, there are probably thousands of people looking for ways to change their lives… and too many of them see a possibility and write it off immediately for lack of self belief or faith that there’s any reason any of that would ever come true. maybe i’m making this up, and maybe you actually know the reason, so what is it?

let me tell you about lack of self-belief. lack of self-belief is a girl who at the age of seven was abused by her mother. and that’s just the earliest memories. maybe it was earlier. the divorce happened when she was five. her dad started to see the abuse so he started fighting for custody. you would think that battle would have been kind of cut and dry. it’s a pretty simple story when alcohol is involved. but it wasn’t. not at all. the custody battle went on for five years. five long years. multiple attempts. multiple failures. multiple reasons to believe that maybe this is just “how it is” and reasons to give up completely. but the verdict was finally turned.

lack of self-belief is being kicked out of your house by a mother who’s “done fighting” for you, won’t get sober, and thinks the answer is abandoning ship instead of getting clean. lack of self-belief is believing every single story that a teenager creates about herself in the aftermath of this kind of disaster… who’s even considered ending life altogether… and is somehow still here, for some reason.

you see… i am you. i was you. i’ve wanted to quit more times than i can count. but it’s just ultimately not the answer. it’s not the story. it’s not where this plot twists. there’s more to the story. but i realized that it was absolutely, 100% never going to change unless i did. the legacy didn’t magically change. God literally picked me up with own His holy version of the jaws of life and said, “nope, you can’t have this one.”

so… i don’t say “get up, let’s go,” in vain. i don’t say it from a place of unknowing. i know how it feels. i know what it’s like. i know every debilitating detail of a million pounds of anxiety and depression weighing down on you, convincing you there’s no possibility of movement or improvement. and it’s all a lie. it’s an illusion. and the power you get to walk in when you defy every single negative thought that plagues your brain is absolutely indescribable.

permanent? no. cured? not entirely. but the voices weaken. they quiet. they settle. they lose power. they lose steam. the trick is not giving them the ammo or the focus they’re craving. ever tried not thinking of an apple when someone tells you not to think about an apple? your brain doesn’t work in negatives. this gives you the power. you shift your focus, you shift your energy, and the things that try to hold you down lose their grip on your life.

i could literally write about this for 600 more paragraphs… i won’t do that. just know you’re more powerful than you think. braver than you know. and meant for more than you can imagine.

i’d love to help you if i can. if any of these words are helpful, i’m honored to have written them. maybe there’s a leap you can take that would hold your feet to the fire and start this train moving in the right direction. i’m here for the encouragement, if that’s useful to you. <3 do something. move. you’re not a tree. join me. come be in the spaces i like to hang out that help me keep this kind of belief and fire. dark can’t drive out dark – only light can do that.

things i wish more people knew

i had this thought this week and knew i needed to write about it. then i forgot, it slipped my mind, we went on a road trip, came back, it never resurfaced…. until just now when i sat down to write this.

immediately, the thought resurfaced – that’s how i know it’s the right one. that’s how i know it deserves a spot on the blog.

there are so. many. things. i wish more people knew. i could likely write another 100-page thesis about this topic. not because i’m a genius… but because there have been so many things that i’ve learned the hard way, i’d like to save someone from that if i could. too many people ask me how i’m so brave, where my thoughts come from, how i’m so “wise,” and it makes me sad because i don’t have access to anything you don’t. i just knew things needed to change if my life was going to. i couldn’t keep living in the shade and shadows of victimhood that the cards of my life kept trying to deal me.

so here we go:

i wish more people knew it’s ok to be wrong. it’s ok to screw it up. it’s ok to get it completely upside down, sideways, unrecognizable… because you can always fix it. you can always right the wrong. you can do it wrong a bunch of times and keep learning about all these different ways to do it almost right. eventually you will get it right. people don’t generally stay wrong forever. that would be more like the definition of insanity. you’re naturally going to improve. you’re naturally going to get closer and closer to the right place and you will eventually land in the right place. you’ll be more well-rounded the more risks you take and the more “wrongs” you rack up… if you’re convinced that’s what they need to be called.

i wish more people knew that there’s no benefit in life to taking yourself so seriously. no one gets an added bonus or any special perks for having less fun or being more stuffy. it’s not that serious. i guarantee it, no matter what “it” is. it’s a harder path living like it’s all gotta fit in between the lines, so you owe it to yourself and the days you’re subtracting from the end of your life to loosen up a bit. you can’t add days to your life by worrying more – the Bible even says so.

i wish more people knew that comparison is the absolute thief of joy. all the time wasted with your head on the swivel is time that could’ve been spent focusing on your own path, your own skills, your own strengths – there’s no way to get better at your own zone of genius by wishing you had someone else’s. anyway, it’s theirs. head on the swivel may be good in a war situation, but it’s not helpful when you’re battling between your ears, trying to create some momentum for yourself on in uncharted waters.

i wish more people knew that rest is, indeed, productive. it’s hard enough to get it all done as it is, much less with half a tank of gas in the tank. i’d say maybe women feel this more, but i’m not sure that’s true. i think men probably believe in the lack of rest just as much as the next human does. there’s no special badge you get to wear for being the most worn or burned out, either, so it would do us all some good to just hang it up every now and then. once a week really isn’t too much to ask. give yourself a day to recharge. honestly, there should be some rest time daily… and that five hours of sleep you’ve been surviving on does NOT count as rest. that’s a sad excuse for a night of sleep, is what that is. you’re killing yourself.

i wish more people knew that precisely NO BODY has it all figured out… but guess what… everything is figure out-able. you CAN figure it out, even if you’re not there right now. you’re not stuck. you’re not a tree. you can move. also… the perfect time doesn’t exist. being “ready” for whatever that next move is doesn’t either. social media is a liar. every person you see whose life looks “perfect” and “aesthetic” is lying if they don’t also show up on the crappy days. a good aesthetic is not reality. i think we live under this illusion sometimes that people are further along because they had some kind of golden knowledge that we don’t have and can’t get. not true. couldn’t be further from the truth. they just had the ability, whether it was guts or reckless abandon, to throw caution to the wind and move scared.

so do it anyway. because if you don’t, someone else will. those you’re watching take the action are doing it scared, myself included. wanna know who gave me permission to start writing in this blog? no one. wanna know how many people i’m “more qualified” than to write these things? precisely zero. but i had an idea, and i went with it and i’m still just going with it.

if you needed permission, here it is. take it from me. i’m not qualified to give it, but you’re not qualified to just sit on your butt and not take action towards those things you really really wish you could start or figure out or whatever other excuse you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t have or do what you want. we live in a weird time, but it’s also a blessed time of opportunity where you can basically create a reality if you don’t like the one in which you’re currently existing.

it’s time. it’s been time. it’s past time. you know it. i know it. we both know it. so. here’s the five things i think you should know and now you know them, so you can get moving on that thing now.

i can’t wait to see how big, bold, beautiful, and amazing it is.

♥,
SF

public humiliation

i don’t know if you saw it at all… there’s been so much to see lately, honestly. too much… not much of it very good… i honestly usually keep my head in the sand on most things… maybe that’s ignorant. but, in this case, as a musician with friends who know i’m a musician, a friend of mine asked me what i thought about this… so i checked it out.

the situation was — and you can google more specific details if you wish, but it’s not my desire to out anyone or add unnecessary drama to an already dramatic situation — a musician / songwriter sang a public national anthem on a large stage, televised in front of the nation and it did not go well. more than not go well, it caused her the next day to post on social media that she had been intoxicated and she was going to check herself into rehab.

when i heard the performance for the first time, it was before she had made such a claim, so the only thoughts i had were, “man, if she has a problem and nobody knew, that’s really sad.” and then, i saw her statement.

following that, there were some claims that it was a technological problem. it happens all the time. but here’s my continued issue with the whole situation.

i should add that i’m speaking from a fair bit of personal experience on this, as i, too, have been in the position of singing a couple of high-exposure anthems, very gratefully so. while in those situations, there has never been a shortage of people asking me if i’m ready, asking if i need anything, asking if i’m ok… there were so. many. people. checking on me, probably honestly making sure i wasn’t going to blow it. making sure my nerves weren’t getting the best of me. maybe thinking to themselves, “man, i don’t know if i could do this, so is she going to be able to?” with the occasional outward warning, “don’t forget the words!”

who was checking on her? who was asking her if she was ok? if she really wasn’t ok and it was that noticeably poor of a performance, i would think that someone would have been able to notice that she wasn’t acting like herself — there were likely signs that this wasn’t going to be the best idea.

i also grew up with an alcoholic. this is the part of my story that really lends a hand to my thoughts on the situation. i could always tell my mom was drinking within seconds. i could call it out plain as day. it took me zero effort to see that she wasn’t herself. and if someone’s issue with alcohol is so serious that they need to call themselves out the next day on social media about their immediate check-in to rehab… i would venture to say it was serious enough to be able to notice.

there’s a lot of hate on the internet these days. far too much. unfortunately, she’s being made to look pretty bad in some corners of this wild wild web. but this is not on her. none of this is on her. her team failed her. and from personal experience, getting upset with someone who struggles with addiction does nothing — you don’t realize the amount of shame they already feel. they certainly don’t need your help.

i hate that this happened. i hate that it keeps happening. i hate that it seems so hard to find a team of people that you can actually trust, that actually have your best interest at heart. the fact of the matter is she hired these people… when a musician or artist hires a team, they’re doing so because they can’t manage their career alone. the scope of responsibilities and tasks that go into a music career are far too heavy for one person to carry. so they hire help. trusted help in a sea full of “helpers” that oftentimes don’t care about anyone but themselves. but i’m sure she thought she had made the right choices. and then this happened.

i’ve let my assessment of the situation reset mostly in the possibility of an addict performing with high stakes that wasn’t protected by her team. then there’s the possibility that her technology failed her.

but my opinion remains the same.

if the technology fails, you don’t go burn your house down by telling people that you’re going to rehab. if the technology fails, no one lets you die on that hill. there’s no reason for someone of high profile to admit they’re going to rehab unless they’re actually going to rehab.

either way, whether a team isn’t paying enough attention to an intoxicated artist about to take the stage or is allowing her to throw herself under the bus to cover for someone’s terrible technological failure, that’s a team that’s not really looking out for the best interest of the artist… and that’s unfortunately the way of the world it seems.

we don’t care enough about each other. we don’t even check in. we’re more concerned with power, ego, self, me, gain, money, and fame to even consider love, kindness, selflessness, or peace. no one is looking at someone about to burn part of her career down and thinking maybe it’s better that we consider a Plan B. or maybe no one truly knew her well enough to be able to decipher the signs? i’m not sure about that… i just find it negligent.

and what about the kids? what about all of our kids watching us adults completely screw this up? they soak up everything like a sponge. they watch every move we make. they imitate, they regurgitate… and they deserve better. they’re watching adults on TV show up this way, and we keep allowing it to happen. it makes me so sad, because i just can’t see the train slowing down or turning around. it’s a complete self-destructive forest fire and we keep pouring more gasoline.

if we want better, we have to be better. think better. act better. speak up better. say something. love better. care better. quit being the center of our own universes. humble up. be willing to look stupid, but not in the humiliating way. be willing to say the hard thing to avoid the bigger tragedy. quit going with the flow when you see the waterfall clearly approaching. the only way the cycle stops is with love.

one of my very favorite quotes of all time is from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

anger, hatred, or judgment will never be able to stop things like this from happening. and being a keyboard warrior solves nothing. we’re only going to see benefit or improvement from caring more about each other, putting someone else before ourself, and being walking, talking examples of love.

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