July 2024 – Sarah Faith

public humiliation

i don’t know if you saw it at all… there’s been so much to see lately, honestly. too much… not much of it very good… i honestly usually keep my head in the sand on most things… maybe that’s ignorant. but, in this case, as a musician with friends who know i’m a musician, a friend of mine asked me what i thought about this… so i checked it out.

the situation was — and you can google more specific details if you wish, but it’s not my desire to out anyone or add unnecessary drama to an already dramatic situation — a musician / songwriter sang a public national anthem on a large stage, televised in front of the nation and it did not go well. more than not go well, it caused her the next day to post on social media that she had been intoxicated and she was going to check herself into rehab.

when i heard the performance for the first time, it was before she had made such a claim, so the only thoughts i had were, “man, if she has a problem and nobody knew, that’s really sad.” and then, i saw her statement.

following that, there were some claims that it was a technological problem. it happens all the time. but here’s my continued issue with the whole situation.

i should add that i’m speaking from a fair bit of personal experience on this, as i, too, have been in the position of singing a couple of high-exposure anthems, very gratefully so. while in those situations, there has never been a shortage of people asking me if i’m ready, asking if i need anything, asking if i’m ok… there were so. many. people. checking on me, probably honestly making sure i wasn’t going to blow it. making sure my nerves weren’t getting the best of me. maybe thinking to themselves, “man, i don’t know if i could do this, so is she going to be able to?” with the occasional outward warning, “don’t forget the words!”

who was checking on her? who was asking her if she was ok? if she really wasn’t ok and it was that noticeably poor of a performance, i would think that someone would have been able to notice that she wasn’t acting like herself — there were likely signs that this wasn’t going to be the best idea.

i also grew up with an alcoholic. this is the part of my story that really lends a hand to my thoughts on the situation. i could always tell my mom was drinking within seconds. i could call it out plain as day. it took me zero effort to see that she wasn’t herself. and if someone’s issue with alcohol is so serious that they need to call themselves out the next day on social media about their immediate check-in to rehab… i would venture to say it was serious enough to be able to notice.

there’s a lot of hate on the internet these days. far too much. unfortunately, she’s being made to look pretty bad in some corners of this wild wild web. but this is not on her. none of this is on her. her team failed her. and from personal experience, getting upset with someone who struggles with addiction does nothing — you don’t realize the amount of shame they already feel. they certainly don’t need your help.

i hate that this happened. i hate that it keeps happening. i hate that it seems so hard to find a team of people that you can actually trust, that actually have your best interest at heart. the fact of the matter is she hired these people… when a musician or artist hires a team, they’re doing so because they can’t manage their career alone. the scope of responsibilities and tasks that go into a music career are far too heavy for one person to carry. so they hire help. trusted help in a sea full of “helpers” that oftentimes don’t care about anyone but themselves. but i’m sure she thought she had made the right choices. and then this happened.

i’ve let my assessment of the situation reset mostly in the possibility of an addict performing with high stakes that wasn’t protected by her team. then there’s the possibility that her technology failed her.

but my opinion remains the same.

if the technology fails, you don’t go burn your house down by telling people that you’re going to rehab. if the technology fails, no one lets you die on that hill. there’s no reason for someone of high profile to admit they’re going to rehab unless they’re actually going to rehab.

either way, whether a team isn’t paying enough attention to an intoxicated artist about to take the stage or is allowing her to throw herself under the bus to cover for someone’s terrible technological failure, that’s a team that’s not really looking out for the best interest of the artist… and that’s unfortunately the way of the world it seems.

we don’t care enough about each other. we don’t even check in. we’re more concerned with power, ego, self, me, gain, money, and fame to even consider love, kindness, selflessness, or peace. no one is looking at someone about to burn part of her career down and thinking maybe it’s better that we consider a Plan B. or maybe no one truly knew her well enough to be able to decipher the signs? i’m not sure about that… i just find it negligent.

and what about the kids? what about all of our kids watching us adults completely screw this up? they soak up everything like a sponge. they watch every move we make. they imitate, they regurgitate… and they deserve better. they’re watching adults on TV show up this way, and we keep allowing it to happen. it makes me so sad, because i just can’t see the train slowing down or turning around. it’s a complete self-destructive forest fire and we keep pouring more gasoline.

if we want better, we have to be better. think better. act better. speak up better. say something. love better. care better. quit being the center of our own universes. humble up. be willing to look stupid, but not in the humiliating way. be willing to say the hard thing to avoid the bigger tragedy. quit going with the flow when you see the waterfall clearly approaching. the only way the cycle stops is with love.

one of my very favorite quotes of all time is from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

anger, hatred, or judgment will never be able to stop things like this from happening. and being a keyboard warrior solves nothing. we’re only going to see benefit or improvement from caring more about each other, putting someone else before ourself, and being walking, talking examples of love.

what if i miss out

this is a question i have wrestled with so much in my life. what am i meant for, and what if i miss it? what if the signs are plain as day and i’m too busy, too occupied, just too blind to see the clear sign in front of my face telling me which way to go?

we even have a name for it: FOMO. Fear. Of. Missing. Out.

but on what?

that list is LOONNGGGGGGGG. i can think of 10 things right now that i’m afraid of missing out on.

ok so, backstory… in August 2019, i moved to Nashville to be a musician. i was in a cover band in Michigan before coming to Tennessee and i was in a massage and i heard the Lord tell me to run. i was trying to decide if i was going to come or not, if it made sense or not… i mean, i was leaving everything i had ever known and loved in an instant. off a whim. a silly little gut feeling i had one time. some people know they’re supposed to come to Nashville. i didn’t! i thought it one time out of the blue because i was in the back of a van of dudes with my band traveling down to perform a show. and i felt it in my chest. so i went with it. so blindly.

here i am almost exactly 5 years later, here i am writing this to you… in a season where again i’ve got this feeling. this nudge. this call. and i really don’t know what to do with it. i’ve had it for a while. i’ve been going along to get along. and yesterday morning, i couldn’t do it anymore.

i had been feeling pulled to attend a Thursday evening recurring meeting. i told Matthew about it and his response was “just go this week, then.” so yesterday as i was thinking about the week, i made a mental note to myself that i was going to follow through on that decision Matthew and i had made and i was going to go. the only problem was that i remembered that i had an obligation on the calendar that night already. a show at a local bar.

when i tell you i was met INSTANTLY by the Lord, i mean it. like. INSTANTLY. SMACK. but it wasn’t violent. it wasn’t angry. it wasn’t intrusive. it simply invited me and said, “you get to choose. you can do either one, and you get to choose.” so in that moment i made a choice and i knew it wasn’t going to be easy, because i am NOT the girl that goes back on her commitments… but i sent a text message. “i’m really sorry, and i hope this reaches you well, but i need to pull the show from the calendar on Thursday” *send* then i sat there.

i looked at my calendar. i noticed i had three more dates on the calendar with this same venue. and i sent a second message: “and i am so appreciative of the space you’ve given me on your stage, allowing me to share music with your community, but i need to cancel all further shows as well.” *send*

then i sat there again. wondering what i was doing. this is So. Not. Me. and that’s how i know it’s God. because none of this would ever cross my mind if i was doing all of these things my way. i am the muscle, the grit, the strength, the force, the don’t stop until it happens. i am her. but not this time. this time i’m being asked to surrender. to give it up. to lay it down. and i’ve been asked dozens of times over the past months… and i finally reached a point where there were two conflicting things that had me in such a tight spot where the choice one way or another felt so defining… it is so obvious to me that the scheduling conflict on Thursday night was no coincidence. and there is not a single person in Heaven or on Earth that’s truly “mad” at me for choosing either way… i just knew i had to make a choice.

i got to the next date on the calendar which was an obligation i made just two weeks ago, if that, to a close friend of mine. i paused. i didn’t want to disappoint him. this is a dude that’s believed in me since the day i met him. i appreciate him and his friendship Soooo much… but i knew i had to keep going. so i sent a similar message: “hey, i hope you’re having a lovely day. i’m sending you a message i never would have thought i would be sending you. i need to pull that date on the calendar we just talked about. i’m feeling called away from music for right now, and i have to listen.”

i felt sad. i felt heavy. but if i’m 100% honest, i also started to feel free.

a couple shows in October – cancelled. one that i was very excited to be a part of! one that was for the city of Clarksville, do you know how excited i was when i was invited to play that stage?! so excited. i was getting ready to put a full band together for a couple of these shows. there’s almost quite literally NOTHING in the world i love more than performing original music with a full band.

but i knew. i just knew. i was being called to surrender it all. not hanging on to any of it for myself. giving it all to Him. allowing him the space.

funny thing was… i would get to a date that i didn’t think i would be able to let go of… sit for a second… and send the message. once all the messages were sent, the first song that popped into my head was, “i will make room for you… to do whatever you want to. to do whatever you want to.”

it’s true. and ruthlessly so. i am feeling called to make room for whatever God wants to do next. even i don’t really know what that means, but if He’s calling me to lay down something that i love so much that i would move my entire life from Michigan to Tennessee to follow a dream, i have to believe that we’re going somewhere with this.

i hope that reading this gives you hope. i hope it helps you decide. i hope you see a choice you need to make and it’s a little easier because you KNOW that if He’s going to call you to give up something you really, truly love… He’s going to have something waiting for you that’s going to blow your mind. there’s a graphic that i’ve seen in the past couple weeks… which… now that i think about it… the timing of that is pretty crazy… it was literally days ago. there’s a girl that has her teddy bear behind her back and Jesus is asking for it. she’s unwilling to give it up because she loves it so much.

what she doesn’t know is Jesus has a teddy bear about 5x the size waiting behind His back for her. and all He’s asking is for me to trust Him. it’s the least i can do. He gave his life for me. He died for me. He saved me. He rescued me. He’s saved me more times than i can even count, are you kidding me? He’s been through every trench with me and guided me to every mountain top i’ve had the pleasure of reaching. He’s got this. and He’s got you, too. He’s just waiting on your surrender. <3

my first trip as “mom”

….and how it all made me feel….

at this point, Matthew and i have only been married a couple months, but we’ve been together for almost three years. at no point have i ever not treated the kids as my own – probably quite literally since the day i met them. i don’t have bio kids, so i’m grateful every day the Lord thought that i’d be a good fit for this family as their bonus mom and Matthew’s other parenting half in this house.

i don’t typically think too deeply into the whole “mom” thing with them – i’m just Sarah, and i’m the motherly figure in this household when they’re with us. but when you’re on a trip with your family, especially when we all have the same last name, i’m “mom” to most people that we’re interacting with. mostly strangers we’ll never see again, but as someone who knows i’m actually not mom despite how it looks, it does come with feelings. for whatever reason…

on one airplane, someone actually made the comment that they look just like me. i told her thank you for being so kind, but they’re not truly mine. “i’m just bonus mom,” i said.

to me, it felt like a compliment. not something she should’ve apologized for, which she did… but i love being part of this family. i love helping raise these kids. i love being Matthew’s wife. i love it more than anything, if i’m being completely honest. more than i ever imagined possible.

i loved being on vacation with them this week. i loved seeing them joyful and excited and experiencing a bunch of new things, running around in a completely new place, smiling so big, their little faces couldn’t possibly hold any more happy!!

say what you want, but i love being their mom, even if i’m not their “real mom” or whatever. i know i didn’t birth them, but i think being a mom is an attitude and a stance you take. it’s a behavior. it’s a mindset. it’s a willingness to step in and fill a pair of shoes i never expected to wear, but ones i hope i’m wearing as gracefully, lovingly, and responsibly as i possibly can. and wanna know what i really hope? i hope that if there are any other bonus moms reading this right now that you’ll stop writing yourself off as “second best.”

i’m guilty of it myself – the lady on the airplane says the kids look like me and i’m like “yea, i’m just bonus mom.” anyone says “mom”-anything and i’m in my head telling myself “fake mom.” we are not fake moms!! we’re not second best. it’s not a competition. and if you’re running it like it is, you’re missing the point. these kids don’t need me to compete for anything with them. it would probably confuse them if that were the case. i’m just me, and there’s not another me on the planet. there’s not another set of kids on this planet i’ll ever get to parent. so whether i’m a real mom, fake mom, bonus mom, mean mom, weird mom, cool mom… and whether they ever utter that specific word to me or about me… is none of my concern. the qualifications and categories do nothing for me.

ya know, here’s the hard truth. plenty of kids have estranged relationships with their bio mom. i was one of them. the “bio” part is not the focal point. the love is. the priorities are. the relationship is. i’ve learned it so many times in my life through my own experiences – sometimes blood is just a word. and it’s hard to say this, but it’s the real truth. i’ve got the kind of life and family money can’t buy. and no, i didn’t physically birth my kids, but i’ll always teach them, discipline them, care for them, and love them as if they were my own.

it wasn’t a hard choice. it’s not about right or wrong. i didn’t lose anything when i gained kids. i feel like i hit the dang lottery, are you kidding? but for real, we gotta stop allowing ourselves to consider ourself as less than, because we’re not. and furthermore, that doesn’t even really exist. there’s no “mom hierarchy” or whatever. the privilege of being their mom will never be lost on me, and it’s a role i’m absolutely honored to fill. <3

U-Turn

Story Time: i was in my car headed to Nashville on Tuesday morning. just like i do most Tuesday mornings because there’s a women’s bible study that i’ve been participating in since probably January or February.

my car needed gas because i would have never made it to Nashville on the 23 miles left in the tank, and as i pulled over in the right lane to turn into the gas station, i heard a Very Clear message in my mind, heart, soul, spirit…. “get gas and go home.”

what…? are you serious? but i’m going to bible study. isn’t that what i’m supposed to be doing? but it was so clear, i cannot even explain it.

“don’t go. get gas and go home.”

so that’s what i did. that’s exactly what i did. i didn’t fight it. i didn’t understand it – i did NOT understand it. i still don’t. sitting here on my front porch writing this, i still am not quite sure that i understand what the heck it was all about, but i really feel like i’m getting to a place where i don’t have to understand it.

i don’t have to understand why He’s leading me in the way that He is, but i’m not gonna stay in the business of asking why. it’s very human to want to understand the plan, know the path, know where it’s leading… but we’re not promised that. we were never told that He was going to reveal the goal to us – matter of fact, people that claim to know exACTly where they’re ultimately going are usually deceived.

here’s something scary to write: i have no idea where i am going. and i can feel Him shifting. moving. inspiring. introducing new possibilities. opening my eyes to a BUNCH of things. and a lot of it makes Absolutely Zero Sense.

and that HAS to be ok. that has GOT to be ok.

the more i fight it, the more upset i get… because guess what?! He’s not gonna quit moving in His way. He’s not gonna change His mind. He will just keep shifting me, refining me, sharpening me, until me “want to” aligns with the “want to” He has for me.

so i made the U-Turn. i got gas. i got in my car. and i went back home. i couldn’t explain it – it was a really weird re-entry into the house after i had just told Matthew i would see him in a few hours. but oh well. i just… listened. that’s all. it was that simple.

i died to myself. a lot of me wanted to push through and still go to the bible study. but for reasons i may never be able to articulate, my spirit wasn’t signing off on that. and it wasn’t budging. i asked “what?” like… eight times. no change. no budge. no sway. just kept saying “don’t go.”

and what happened after that? was i worried about what people were gonna think? no. i wasn’t. i had this overwhelming PEACE and all i had to do was LISTEN. all i had to do was just NOT DO WHATEVER I WANTED and listen to my soul gently telling me to reconsider.

that’s what i’m after. i’m relentlessly pursuing that peace. that’s how i know i’m on the right track. inner peace. outer conflict, sure, whatever, but the inner peace is undeniable.

try it. i’m dying to know what you think and how you feel when you listen to that still small voice, whether it makes sense or not.

i also wanna know – are you one of those people that HAS to have stuff make sense? how are you working to break out of that need? i’m working on it, too.

Monthly Archives: July 2024

public humiliation

what if i miss out

my first trip as “mom”

U-Turn