graceful parenting tips

my first trip as “mom”

….and how it all made me feel….

at this point, Matthew and i have only been married a couple months, but we’ve been together for almost three years. at no point have i ever not treated the kids as my own – probably quite literally since the day i met them. i don’t have bio kids, so i’m grateful every day the Lord thought that i’d be a good fit for this family as their bonus mom and Matthew’s other parenting half in this house.

i don’t typically think too deeply into the whole “mom” thing with them – i’m just Sarah, and i’m the motherly figure in this household when they’re with us. but when you’re on a trip with your family, especially when we all have the same last name, i’m “mom” to most people that we’re interacting with. mostly strangers we’ll never see again, but as someone who knows i’m actually not mom despite how it looks, it does come with feelings. for whatever reason…

on one airplane, someone actually made the comment that they look just like me. i told her thank you for being so kind, but they’re not truly mine. “i’m just bonus mom,” i said.

to me, it felt like a compliment. not something she should’ve apologized for, which she did… but i love being part of this family. i love helping raise these kids. i love being Matthew’s wife. i love it more than anything, if i’m being completely honest. more than i ever imagined possible.

i loved being on vacation with them this week. i loved seeing them joyful and excited and experiencing a bunch of new things, running around in a completely new place, smiling so big, their little faces couldn’t possibly hold any more happy!!

say what you want, but i love being their mom, even if i’m not their “real mom” or whatever. i know i didn’t birth them, but i think being a mom is an attitude and a stance you take. it’s a behavior. it’s a mindset. it’s a willingness to step in and fill a pair of shoes i never expected to wear, but ones i hope i’m wearing as gracefully, lovingly, and responsibly as i possibly can. and wanna know what i really hope? i hope that if there are any other bonus moms reading this right now that you’ll stop writing yourself off as “second best.”

i’m guilty of it myself – the lady on the airplane says the kids look like me and i’m like “yea, i’m just bonus mom.” anyone says “mom”-anything and i’m in my head telling myself “fake mom.” we are not fake moms!! we’re not second best. it’s not a competition. and if you’re running it like it is, you’re missing the point. these kids don’t need me to compete for anything with them. it would probably confuse them if that were the case. i’m just me, and there’s not another me on the planet. there’s not another set of kids on this planet i’ll ever get to parent. so whether i’m a real mom, fake mom, bonus mom, mean mom, weird mom, cool mom… and whether they ever utter that specific word to me or about me… is none of my concern. the qualifications and categories do nothing for me.

ya know, here’s the hard truth. plenty of kids have estranged relationships with their bio mom. i was one of them. the “bio” part is not the focal point. the love is. the priorities are. the relationship is. i’ve learned it so many times in my life through my own experiences – sometimes blood is just a word. and it’s hard to say this, but it’s the real truth. i’ve got the kind of life and family money can’t buy. and no, i didn’t physically birth my kids, but i’ll always teach them, discipline them, care for them, and love them as if they were my own.

it wasn’t a hard choice. it’s not about right or wrong. i didn’t lose anything when i gained kids. i feel like i hit the dang lottery, are you kidding? but for real, we gotta stop allowing ourselves to consider ourself as less than, because we’re not. and furthermore, that doesn’t even really exist. there’s no “mom hierarchy” or whatever. the privilege of being their mom will never be lost on me, and it’s a role i’m absolutely honored to fill. <3

grace + legalism

ok, raise your hand if you’ve ever had a Tate’s cookie…? they’re this semi-recent discovery of mine, and what i’ve REALLY discovered in my adventures with Tate’s cookies is that it’s nearly impossible for me to eat just one or two. once a pack is open, it’s as good as gone.

you’re catching me right now at bed time, post tooth brushing, analyzing tonight’s snack endeavor, asking myself why i have such little self control when it comes to this particular brand and kind of cookie. but then i took it one step further and began to judge myself because i truly do try to be a person that watches what i consume, attempting to make good, informed choices. low tox, natural living, baby!! there’s just something about these dang cookies that make me throw all caution to the wind, rules in the dumpster, and devour… i mean… smash… dunked in milk, they’re an absolute delicacy.

then… as i thought further into this… i started thinking about how little grace i give myself and how downright legalistic i can be. it’s very all or nothing in this brain of mine. it’s either good or bad, but nothing in between, and if i’m being honest, i’m pretty good at picking myself apart for all the “bad” – i’m using quotations because i’m also pretty harsh when it comes to classifying and separating good from bad.

i’m “bad” for eating all seven of those cookies – but they tasted so good!! but i have no self control and how dare i ever even talk about health, wellness, or anything remotely related with habits like this.

does anyone else crack down on themselves entire too harshly, or is it just me? something moved me to write this tonight while i was brushing my teeth, so i just kind of went with it, assuming the nudge was because there was quite possibly someone that needed to hear that they weren’t alone in this internal legalistic battle.

we are together in these self critical moments, but i want us to lay off ourselves a little. i want us to not be so dang serious and legalistic about all this stuff – just eat the dang cookies and be ok with it, alright? sheesh. i mean, sure, we don’t wanna go housing packs of cookies every night, but there’s also something to be said for enjoying this life and coloring outside the lines a bit every once in a while. there’s goodness in those moments, too. a LOT of goodness. and i would hate for us to miss things that are readily right in front of us because we were too worried about perfectly adhering to some “rules” – most likely rules that we made up for ourselves!!

i didn’t do a “word of the year” this year – i’m just on a mission and i’m headed there full steam ahead. but. if i did, there would’ve likely been a whole list of words because i’m generally so indecisive. somewhere near the top of that list would have been “grace.” you’d be hard pressed to find someone that was a harsher critic on themselves than me, but dang it, i am determined to give myself some grace. i have got to loosen the necktie a bit. let the hair down. i know it might seem like i’m totally carefree and whatever – i’m here to confess to you that i truly need to give myself some more grace. grace when i’m three minutes late, grace when i eat something a bit “off brand,” grace when i don’t feel like getting ready in the morning, grace when the outfit of the day is sweats, grace when one of the kids doesn’t like the dinner i made, grace when i’m having a hard time clearly seeing the vision and i’m confused, ready to quit… just some more grace in basically every situation.

i’m gonna go ahead and assume you could use some more self-gifted grace, too. because guess what – i’m a human and so are you. and we’re gonna make mistakes. we’re here on this big blue and green rock, spinning around, semi-blindly wandering through life just like everyone else – the least we can do is make it a little easier on ourselves if at all possible.

i challenge you to letting yourself off the hook a little this week – what’s that gonna look like? and better yet, how are you gonna feel next Friday when you’ve gone a little easier on yourself for Seven. Days. Straight?!??

♥, SF